At this moment, I am facing a future that is sometimes cloudy, sometimes dark and scary. I have cancer, and the prospects are less than favorable. I'm at home and feeling well. No pain. I'm able to be up and about and enjoy my family and friends. As my time to depart draws near, it's likely I will lose my cognitive ability. I have to write now, for myself and for my family.
I'm fortunate that the doctors discovered the tumor in my brain when they did. I could have died before anyone knew there was a problem. But I didn't. They found the tumor, prescribed steroids to reduce the swelling, and from what they first told me, this was treatable, and though serious, not impossible. But it didn't take long for me to discover that things were presented in a simplified format, and what I was facing was huge.
I considered doing the chemo treatments, but the more I learned, the more I realized that the chances that I would survive long enough to complete treatments were slight. If I survived the treatments, any time I gained would have been filled with pain, and never-ending treatment. I didn't want that for myself, and I couldn't do that to my family. It's so terrible to see someone you love suffer and struggle. I want to live my life on my terms for as long as possible. I chose Hospice because I know they will help me and my family through this difficult time.
I just got married to the most wonderful man in the world in September of last year. We've never had a cross word between us. Every morning, we tell each other how much we love our life together. I have two daughters, ages 18 and 23. They have been the light of my life from the moment they were born. We've spent every possible minute together. When I married my husband, his daughter became part of my family, and I love her as if she were my own.
I have so many people who have played such important roles in my life, and I want to see them, and hug them, and thank them and tell them I love them! I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to do that! I always lived my life with enthusiasm and joy and love for everyone I met. With limited time, I don't want to waste a minute.
My life has always been about the people I love. In however much time I have, I want to keep my focus on the people who mean so much to me. They will help me through this.
Hospice patients sometimes outlive the doctor's prognosis because they are often able to maintain a better quality of life. I will make the most of every minute I have.
The nurse told me to tell people that "sooner is better than later" if they want to visit. I over-scheduled myself at first, and discovered that I had to try to take things a bit slower. I told the nurse that I didn't know what to say when people asked if I had a day in July available, or a time in August. How do I know? She said, "Make plans as though you will be there. Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. But making the plans will spur you to make every effort to reach those goals. Anything is possible." That made a lot of sense to me.
I'm hoping to use this blog share my journey with you. I post gratitude lists on the We Love Gratitude site as often as I can. Those gratitude lists keep my mind focused on the many good things that are found in the midst of this darkness.
Often, when I'm writing a list, I have so much I want to say, and I don't want to make the list too long for anyone to read. I decided this blog will be a great place for me to post longer essays and stories.
I want my daughters and my husband to know as much as I can share with them about my thoughts and feelings and love for them and for all that my life has offered me. I, also, want anyone else who is interested to be able to read, and maybe find some joy or inspiration or whatever will help them in my writings.
Hold good thoughts for me that my words will continue to flow easily for as long as possible. Much love to you!