Sunday, June 2, 2013

Why I have so many things to tell you

At this moment, I am facing a future that is sometimes cloudy, sometimes dark and scary. I have cancer, and the prospects are less than favorable. I'm at home and feeling well. No pain. I'm able to be up and about and enjoy my family and friends.  As my time to depart draws near, it's likely I will lose my cognitive ability. I have to write now, for myself and for my family.

I'm fortunate that the doctors discovered the tumor in my brain when they did. I could have died before anyone knew there was a problem. But I didn't. They found the tumor, prescribed steroids to reduce the swelling, and from what they first told me, this was treatable, and though serious, not impossible. But it didn't take long for me to discover that things were presented in a simplified format, and what I was facing was huge.

I considered doing the chemo treatments, but the more I learned, the more I realized that the chances that I would survive long enough to complete treatments were slight.   If I survived the treatments, any time I gained would have been filled with pain, and never-ending treatment.  I didn't want that for myself, and I couldn't do that to my family.  It's so terrible to see someone you love suffer and struggle.  I want to live my life on my terms for as long as possible.    I chose Hospice because I know they will help me and my family through this difficult time.

I just got married to the most wonderful man in the world in September of last year. We've never had a cross word between us. Every morning, we tell each other how much we love our life together. I have two daughters, ages 18 and 23. They have been the light of my life from the moment they were born. We've spent every possible minute together.  When I married my husband, his daughter became part of my family, and I love her as if she were my own.

I have so many people who have played such important roles in my life, and I want to see them, and hug them, and thank them and tell them I love them! I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to do that!  I always lived my life with enthusiasm and joy and love for everyone I met. With limited time, I don't want to waste a minute.

My life has always been about the people I love. In however much time I have, I want to keep my focus on the people who mean so much to me. They will help me through this.

Hospice patients sometimes outlive the doctor's prognosis because they are often able to maintain a better quality of life. I will make the most of every minute I have. The nurse told me to tell people that "sooner is better than later" if they want to visit. I over-scheduled myself at first, and discovered that I had to try to take things a bit slower. I told the nurse that I didn't know what to say when people asked if I had a day in July available, or a time in August. How do I know? She said, "Make plans as though you will be there. Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. But making the plans will spur you to make every effort to reach those goals. Anything is possible." That made a lot of sense to me. 

I'm hoping to use this blog share my journey with you. I post gratitude lists on the We Love Gratitude site as often as I can. Those gratitude lists keep my mind focused on the many good things that are found in the midst of this darkness. Often, when I'm writing a list, I have so much I want to say, and I don't want to make the list too long for anyone to read. I decided this blog will be a great place for me to post longer essays and stories.

I want my daughters and my husband to know as much as I can share with them about my thoughts and feelings and love for them and for all that my life has offered me. I, also, want anyone else who is interested to be able to read, and maybe find some joy or inspiration or whatever will help them in my writings.

Hold good thoughts for me that my words will continue to flow easily for as long as possible. Much love to you!

13 comments:

  1. Oh Ruth! I am so grateful you're writing here. When I try to imagine what you're feeling and thinking, I always imagine myself writing and writing and writing, especially to my daughter. Thank you for sharing this publicly, for all of us. I am in tears. I am sorry this is happening to you, I am sorry your daughters and your husband have to face the idea of life without you, and I am so sad and angry to imagine this world without you in it. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself, thank you for loving us all so deeply. I love you.

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    1. I am glad that this is meaningful for you. Thank you for your kind comments! I love you, too!

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  2. Me too...feeling a lot like Belle just expressed...Very very sad that we, as Hiland High School friends, only recently reconnected through FB and now...now, our time to share a bit of life is so short. I'm sitting here too, with tears streaming...feeling sad to be missing out on time with you...So, if there are any dates with just a few minutes left in July or August...please pencil me in...my cousin Sherry and I would love to come visit you. Love and prayers to you!

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  3. Ruth, thank you so much for starting this new blog. I have always loved sharing in your writing and your delighted, joyous embrace of life and the people in it. I look forward to your continued inspiration through this blog. I'm looking forward to seeing you in person soon also. Love and Peace to you. ---Jenni Papp

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    1. Thank you, Jenni, and thank you for allowing me to be part of Ben and Olivia's lives. Sending my love to your entire family!

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  4. Ruth, I love you so much! I have bookmarked your blog and moved it to the top of my list so I won't miss a single word. I have enjoyed every minute I have ever spent with you. You radiate love and joy, and even with all you are going through now, I can feel your light shinning and see your smiling face. I don't know why you are on this journey or where it will lead you, but I know your light will shine forever. ~Barb B

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    1. You are one of my dearest friends, Barb! I'm so glad you are beside me on this journey. I hope to see you very soon! I love you, Barb!

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  5. Ruth, I want to add my thanks and feeble attempt to express how sad I am for you & your family. I, too, was so excited to reconnect via FB & had hopes many times of stopping in Peninsula to see if you were working at the shop you told me about. But, as you well know, it never happened. It doesn't seem to me, based on your post, that you are working anymore so that option is no longer available to me. I don't know where you live but I would love to see you also. I admire how vulnerable you are with sharing your life with us in such an open way & how positive you are in what you want to leave with those you love.
    My prayers are with you.
    Peace,
    Nettie

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    1. I'll message you on Facebook, Nettie. I appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers!

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  6. I can not begin to tell you how much I loved reading your love story. And all your writings. I can not wait to read more. You have always been someone I looked up too, You have such a beautiful heart.

    Lots of hugs,
    Theresa

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  7. Thank you for writing this.

    Always with love and gratitude,
    Lucy Anne

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  8. Ruth, I swear you are Santa Claus, with all the gifts you are spreading everywhere! You are showing us that gifts don't have to cost money and that love is the biggest gift of all.

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